Physical purgatory

I’ve been dealing with post-surgical complications from an ACL repair since March 2019. Years of endless, disciplined PT. Dozens of appointments with expert physical therapists and surgeons.

I learned recently that the surgeon installed my ACL anterior of its anatomical location, and this could be the cause of all my complications. This is frustrating, to say the least. The patellar cartilage damage caused by all of this is extensive and irreversible.

I am currently at one of the lowest, if not the lowest, amount of physical function I have had since that . I cannot walk more than a couple miles, all of it in moderate, nagging pain. I cannot bike. I cannot squat.

I cannot seem to progress physical therapy without large spikes in pain and swelling.

Most, perhaps all conservative, options have been exhausted.

For the first time, I’m considering the possibility that I may not ever be able to hike again or return to many of the physical activities that I love. That I will be permanently mobility-impaired.

Living in San Francisco, I’m surrounded by very active, physically capable people doing activities I used to do - running, hiking, cycling, even just going for long walks.

Of course, I also see people will permanent mobility restrictions using canes and wheelchairs.

I’ve been calling it a type of purgatory. I don’t know yet if I have a path to recovery. I can see a world where I can be at peace with permanent mobility restrictions, but it’s difficult to get there mentally if there is a possibility that I can recover.

In this purgatory, I wait.